Monday, August 11th, 2003
Moving On
Though I thought this thing that has held me back, torn me up, and made me at times the happiest man on earth over the past eight or nine months might have been over before (several times, in fact), I think it now well and truly done. I have little idea of what really happened, nor do I understand why things turned out this way, but it doesn't matter. My wanting to know and trying my hardest to change things that I have no control over (to everyone's detriment) never did me anyone a single solitary bit of good. The only thing I could have changed was my actions and my reactions, but that's not an area that I have much practice with, and perhaps I didn't even try most of the time, so I ended up slipping into feeling out of control, vengeful, and enraged, which also never did anyone any good either. I did try though, over and over again, to do what I could, but I failed, again and again, but because I know that I've said my piece and did what I could, the frustration and anger has disappeared (heh, for now), leaving the deepest sadness I've ever felt and a terrible sense of loss in its place. Sadness and loss I can deal with, because I finally understand that even though I didn't do as well as I'd hoped I could, this was not all my fault. I am still the same smart, talented, hard working, and loving man I've always been, and though my heart has been torn to shreds countless times recently, I think I've learned my lessons (they were worth it) and I'm eager to get on with my life...
...and then a friend calls out of the blue to invite me to what turned out to be an unbelievable show by San Diego's Ilya where I met a ton of cool people and had a great time. Things are gonna be all right.