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8/6/00 5:07:52 PM

a very relaxing weekend: a movie, erands and a nap, dinner, jazz and dessert, breakfast, introductions, work... the implications are staggering.

stephen trish and i went to an art opening, then went for dinner at mario's where we enjoyed the hell out of ourselves. then we retired to - never did find out the name, but as i was saying "lets listen to some jazz and chill" i saw a patio table under a heater and a jazz band with an open window in between. we had amazing chocolate delicacies and excellent service, not to mention fine conversation. got up this morning for breakfast and got some work from stephen for man bites dog, then we hung out with his apartment manager (the man who can make or break my dwelling dreams) who said in a turkish accent: "i don't keep a list - i'll let you know". sounded really good to me.

i think the only things i would miss when i leave this place are the 15 fruit trees in the backyard - last week i was gorging myself on plums, then i discovered the nectarines are ripe. so now i'm gorging myself on nectarines.

watching magnolia started the weekend off, and watching the charachters deal with such horrible stress and respond with such passion made me miss having things in my life that made me feel like i was *really living*. i remembered back to the middle and end of 97, probably the most painful time of my life, and wondered whether i'd used up all my passion then, or had turned it inward.

if i used it up, that's very sad, and i'll eventually regret the fact that i used it up at the wrong time (and on the wrong person). if i've turned it inward, its still there, only at this point in my life, that would be a case of severe misdirection.

not that i no longer deserve it, but there are some things out there that are worth some risks and some energy, and i think i have some to spare.

i went to bed after i wrote this really down, really lonely, and not sure what to do about it. positive reinforcement at work today and getting some important paperwork in the mail today, as well as as conversation with stephen and ryan this evening has improved my mood though (not to mention a laugh over some of amanda and greg's wedding pictures!).

i need to get a weekend job. relaxation is too much stress.

link: go over to google and do a search for "more evil than the devil himself" (without the quotes) and see what you find.