Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Anger Management
I finished reading the garbled mess that was my journal from the end of '99 until July of 2001 and got so angry thinking about the fact that I still go through things I shouldn't have to go through and I still hurt so much and in much the same way as I always have. Over the course of the day, I got angrier and angrier about this, which in turn became anger at the person at whom and the situtation at which I am perpetually angry because I was lied to over and over again and because I wasted so much energy, time, and love on them for the past fifteen months, the one that I end up having to pray and ask God to grant her happiness, healthfulness, and prosperity at least ten times over the course of the day, every day and who I beg for the ability to forgive because the anger eats me alive. I wanted to write something mean and hurtful here, which would only be tearing open my own wound and screaming into it. I want to block access to this site and to my life (and still might) because I feel all of the rage and frustration and confusion come back again everytime I see c66.169.216.198.ts46v-02.dntn.tx.charter.com in my referrer logs, and it's there, multiple times a day, every fucking day, and I have no idea why, and I can't stop myself from wanting to see and know and understand, but I can't, which typically makes me start back over again at the beginning. But I end up not doing anything about it, except writing and pouring my heart out here and with friends and love ones, people who are patient with me, and people who love me despite the fact that I am crazy because they understand that all I want to be is happy, joyous, and free, and because I am willing to do whatever it takes to get those things, they in turn are willing to point me in the right direction when I need it, and by the end of the day, I'm OK again, just like, after a long hard day, I'm OK now.